I won't say it. I refuse. I just can't

Today, I find myself in a whirlwind of emotions, a turmoil that I struggle to articulate. I've been trying so hard to harbor anger, to cultivate hate, as if these feelings are a shield against something even more formidable. Yet, the truth is, it's killing me inside. There's a confession lurking within me, a truth so powerful that it feels larger and stronger than my very being. But admitting it? That's where I falter

I'm wrestling with an inner paradox. I want to admit something that my heart knows but my words refuse to acknowledge. I'm constantly fed the opposite of what I yearn for, which makes this all the more complex. But the raw truth is, I love her. Yes, I love her with every fiber of my being, every shard of my pain. It's this love that triggers the chaos of my borderline personality, sending me into a storm of emotions

I keep trying to close my eyes, desperately attempting to conjure up any negative aspect, any flaw or reason to fuel my denial. But all I see is her – her beautiful smile, the warmth of her touch, and that quirky little laugh that seems to echo in my mind. These memories, they're like a beacon of light in a sea of darkness, making it impossible for me to stay anchored in my self-imposed bitterness

What do I do in this situation? I'm at a crossroads, torn between the desire to conceal my feelings and the overpowering nature of them. It's a secret I feel compelled to take to my grave, yet it's as if my soul is rebelling, yearning to shout this truth to the world

In my quieter moments, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I grapple with this dilemma. The realization that I'm in love is both terrifying and exhilarating. It's a revelation that doesn't just whisper; it roars within me, demanding recognition

But how do you embrace a truth that feels like a betrayal to your own defenses? How do you acknowledge a feeling that seems to defy the very turmoil you're experiencing? These are the questions that haunt me, that keep me awake at night, pondering over the complexities of the heart and mind

As I pen down these thoughts, I'm not seeking answers, but rather a semblance of understanding, a way to navigate through this labyrinth of emotions. Perhaps one day, I'll find the courage to confront these feelings head-on. Until then, I remain a silent warrior, battling the tempest within.