A Glutton For Punishment

Dear Journal,

Here I am again, in a moment of introspection, confronting the relentless waves of my journey. It seems, in a bitter twist of irony, that I'm a glutton for punishment, endlessly entangled in a narrative I've long outgrown. Growing up under the shadow of being labeled the 'bad kid', I internalized that role, unwittingly allowing it to sculpt my path. The belief that I deserved nothing but the scraps of life became my unwelcome companion, influencing not just my self-perception but also casting a long shadow over my professional and personal realms.

In my heart, I knew the truth of my character. I navigated through life's tumult without ever willfully causing harm or taking what wasn't mine. Except for the inevitable tussles of youth—those confrontations with school bullies that almost seem a rite of passage—I've lived my life striving for kindness and integrity. And yet, even as I found myself teetering on the brink of despair, with the specter of hunger looming and the darkness of unpaid bills closing in, I was met not with compassion, but with exploitation. It's a cruel realization that, in my lowest moments, there were those who would still take and steal, lie and manipulate.

But the harshest truth I've come to face is the role I played in my own downfall. In accepting less than I deserved, in letting into my life those unworthy of my time and energy, I was complicit in my own degradation. It was as if I had laid out the welcome mat for the very elements that sought to undermine me, fueled by a deep-seated belief that this was all I was worthy of.

This journey of self-reflection is not an easy one. Yet, it's a necessary passage towards understanding and, hopefully, forgiveness—forgiveness not just for those who wronged me, but for myself. For the boy who was labeled, for the man who believed in those labels, and for the soul that yearns to break free from the chains of the past. As I pen these thoughts, it's with a heavy heart but also a glimmer of hope. Hope that in acknowledging these truths, I can forge a path forward, one where I am deserving of light, love, and respect, and where the narrative no longer holds me prisoner to a story I didn't choose.

Yours in reflection,

Curtis