A Shell

It never hit me until recently, when Doris found my mom's baby book with cards I made as far back as kindergarten. Every single one was an apology for being bad. What could a kindergartener or even younger child do to feel like such a bad kid already?

Is it selective amnesia? Is my brain protecting me so much it has to forget? Whatever the reason, it's stripped me of something I thought was my core – my tenacity, my drive to exceed expectations, not just settle for "good enough." All these years, I've wondered why I lacked the motivation to go further, why I felt undeserving of anything beyond the ordinary.

And now, seeing those cards, it's clear. I didn't just settle for a mediocre job or clothes. I settled for mediocre relationships. I chose women who didn't align with my values, who didn't deserve the love and passion I had to offer. I'm a good man, damn it. But I got stuck in this head funk, this self-defined mediocrity because I didn't know who I was. I looked to others for my identity, and that's how you lose yourself.

Now, I'm a shell of who I used to be, a puppet on strings controlled by the drama of others.It's time to break free. I need to reclaim my own voice, my own drive. I need to rediscover the person who made those cards, the person who dared to apologize, who cared enough to try. That's the person I need to find again, the person who deserves a life beyond just "good enough."

This revised version retains the raw emotion and honesty of the original entry while improving clarity and flow. It avoids negativity towards specific individuals and focuses on the journey of self-discovery and reclaiming one's own identity. I hope this is helpful!