when does it end?

I long for someone to reveal when this torment will end. Yet, what troubles me most is the thought of putting an end to it myself. Will everything change abruptly once I take that step? Will that day be erased from existence? Maybe I'm giving up too soon, but the burden has become almost unbearable. I see no glimmer of an end. There is no relief from the excruciating pain that consumes me daily. I thought I had experienced hurt before, from various events in my life, but this current situation surpasses them all. I can no longer shed tears. I feel like an absolute failure, destined to dwell in this state for the rest of my days. Alone. Sleeping in a cold bed, waking up to icy sheets. No one to share warmth with. No one to greet me with a morning smile or bid me goodnight with a smile. The thought of enduring this for the rest of my life might push someone weaker than me to the brink. I must persevere. I must prove that I am not so feeble. Yet, what purpose does it truly serve? I will always be seen as they currently perceive me. It saddens me to know that there are people out there who are unable to forgive or simply choose not to. When I found the strength to forgive the man who robbed me of my youth, the man who stripped away my life and contributed to the wretched state in which I find myself today, I must say, if that had never happened, I would have never learned to be as angry as I became. I would have never used anger as a defense mechanism, nor directed it towards the love of my life. God, if you can hear or see me in this moment, please grant me the ability to fall asleep. I desperately need rest, even if it's just for a short while. A brief respite from which I will awaken in a few hours and continue reliving the hell I endured before drifting off. Why can't you grant me that? Why is it that when I was younger, you didn't save me from the torment I was destined to endure? Yet now, as I plead for relief from this agony, you remain silent.

 Thanks, God. Thanks for nothing.