Will They Even Notice

I'm at a point where I'm questioning everything, not sure of the next step. I'm exhausted, not just physically but deep in my soul. There's this profound tiredness from feeling like I don't belong, like I'm constantly fighting to prove that I have the capacity to love, to show that I'm not the villain in someone else's story. Every day is a battle against this image of me as a monster, and honestly, I'm running on empty.

It's like I'm screaming into an abyss. No one seems to notice, no one seems to care. It's as if I'm a ghost, drifting unseen and unheard through the world. This sense of isolation wraps around me, suffocating and cold. It's not just about being broken; it's about feeling irreparably shattered, like a mirror that's been dropped one too many times.

I've been through the motions – DBT, CPT, CBT – you name it. They're supposed to be the tools to help me rebuild, but sometimes they feel like band-aids on a gaping wound. Despite my efforts, it feels like I'm stuck in the same loop, ending up alone, time and time again. The fear of enduring this pain once more is paralyzing. So, I've made a decision, albeit a heavy one: it's time to move on. I'm not clear on the specifics yet, but the gears are in motion. It's time to organize my life, to prepare for whatever comes next. I sense it'll be soon.

I find myself wondering, though, how long will it take for someone to notice I'm gone? A month? Maybe two? The realization that my absence might go undetected for so long is a bitter pill to swallow. There are days, stretching into weeks, where my phone remains silent, my door unknocked. It's this silence that echoes the loudest, reaffirming the fear that perhaps, I really was the monster they made me out to be.