My Motivation

Dear Diary,

I think I've finally figured out why I've struggled with motivation all my life. It all stems back to my childhood.

My mother kept a meticulous baby book of my early years, and recently, I discovered something heartbreaking hidden within its pages. Among the cards and drawings I made for her, there was a recurring theme: apologies. From as young as kindergarten, I had internalized the belief that I was a "bad kid."

This negative self-perception deeply affected my self-worth and motivation. Why would I put in the effort to achieve my goals if I believed I was destined for failure? This mindset was further reinforced by a traumatic experience I endured as a child. When I was molested, the perpetrator received a lenient sentence, while the victims who came after me received much harsher punishments. This reinforced my belief that I didn't matter, that my pain didn't count.

As a result of these experiences, I've spent my life feeling unworthy and unmotivated. I've convinced myself that I'm incapable of achieving my dreams. 

I am still here because guess I have a purpose to fulfill. I had dreams to chase and experiences to embrace. I  let my past define my future And now there's no time left. I've got too much to try to change in such short time. I'm just tired of prolonging the agony