Overwhelmed

Dear Diary,

Today, I find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed and introspective. The daily struggles of living with borderline personality disorder and depression have taken a toll on my spirit. I feel trapped in a cycle of isolation, loneliness, and self-doubt. The lack of genuine human connection weighs heavily on my heart. I yearn for the warmth of companionship, for the touch of someone who cares, for the feeling of belonging. But these simple pleasures seem to elude me, leaving me with a void that grows deeper with each passing day. I recognize the progress I've made in managing my mental health. It's a constant battle, a daily grind that requires unwavering effort and resilience. Yet, despite these strides, the underlying pain of borderline personality disorder persists.

My ex-wife, Doris, stands out as an exception, a beacon of light in my otherwise bleak existence. Her kindness and compassion were a lifeline, a reminder of the love that still exists in the world. But I failed her. I allowed my own struggles to cloud her happiness, to make her question her own worth. This guilt gnaws at me, fueling a sense of worthlessness that threatens to consume me. How could I have caused such pain to someone who cared for me so deeply? I question my right to exist, to burden others with my presence.

The isolation I endure is suffocating. The walls of my solitude seem to close in on me, trapping me in a prison of my own mind. I long for the freedom of connection, for the safety of belonging. Overtaken by despair, and with no hope remaining, I cling to the belief that love won't find its way back into my life. I have fought and refused to succumb to the darkness that threatens to engulf me. But how can I continue to fight for my well-being, to nurture the love within myself? I am feverishly attempting not to surrender to the despair that threatens to consume me. I can sense signs of tiredness and fatigue from constantly trying to keep things the way they are, take care of myself, and stay motivated. It feels like I've been fighting against the challenges of life for as long as I can remember, and it's not going well. If this continues at this pace for much longer, I honestly don't know how I'll manage. 

Right now, The weariness that has settled upon me is so profound, so all-consuming, that I feel on the very brink of surrender. My energy levels have plummeted to an alarming degree, leaving me drained, devoid of the vitality that once fueled my days. Even the simplest tasks seem insurmountable, demanding an effort that my depleted reserves can no longer muster. The weight of this exhaustion bears down upon me, threatening to extinguish the spark that ignites my will to persevere. 

Even though I may stumble, and falter, I have yet to yield to this exhaustion. I am trying to summon every ounce of my remaining strength, and push myself forward, one arduous step at a time. For I am merely a vessel of fatigue; I am trying to become my own warrior of the spirit, and preventing myself from being vanquished by this relentless foe.