There was a period in my life when I embodied immense optimism, unmatched by anyone I knew. I constantly nurtured the belief that goodness resides within all individuals. This hope sustained me, making each day effortlessly bearable. However, in the year 2019, everything changed.
Various events unfolded, shaping the person I am today. That optimistic version of myself faded away, replaced by a resolute pessimism. I used to think there might be one flawed individual in a group, but now I struggle to identify a single virtuous person. One might argue against this perception, emphasizing the impossibility of truly understanding someone's experiences without having walked in their shoes.
I've endured myriad forms of torment and ridicule since my earliest memories, surpassing anything others could throw at me. While some have the ability to overcome such challenges with greater resilience, it does not brand me as weak. Nonetheless, it has left me profoundly weary. I have fought ceaselessly throughout my life, battling both tangible and intangible demons within my mind, not to mention the adversities encountered daily. Perhaps I'm more susceptible to these tribulations than others, and that's perfectly alright.
Yesterday, as I deliberated my future course of action, a fleeting doubt crossed my mind. I questioned whether I possessed weakness. Yet, how could weakness define me when I've engaged in countless exhaustive struggles? It then dawned on me—I am simply exhausted.
Hearing from both a psychiatrist and a counselor that my condition is incurable and can only be managed falls short of my expectations. The anguish I endure from heartbreaks and losing cherished individuals is incapacitating. I never sought this burden, nor did I ask to traverse the treacherous paths I've tread. However, it seems fate has appointed me this arduous journey. Knowing that I can never be completely healed, and that additional heartache lies ahead, I find myself unable to endure it any longer.
I have loved with every fiber of my being, only to be met with unreciprocated affection or eventual departures. The ensuing fear transforms me into a version of myself from which I would flee. Consequently, I hold no one accountable, as everyone deserves a life free from fear and sorrow. Understanding now that I will never endure such anguish again fills me with tranquility—an emotion unknown to me. Above all else, the liberating realization that I will never be the cause of someone else's tears is the greatest gift I can bestow upon myself.
Some may be unfamiliar with the sensation of extinguishing the sparkle in another's eyes or robbing them of their joy. One of my ex-partners possessed the most captivating sparkle in her eyes, radiating an endearing quirkiness that endeared her to all. Yet, after nearly a year, that sparkle dissipated, replaced by bitterness and anguish caused by my presence.
Some of my friends have recently come forth, acknowledging their lack of awareness regarding the magnitude of my struggles. However, my true friends comprehend and support my decision. To me, borderline personality disorder is akin to cancer. Instead of devouring my physical flesh, it gnaws at my sanity and heart. Furthermore, this affliction metastasizes, affecting all those in my vicinity, and I refuse to let it spread any further.
#battle #torment #demons #adversity
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