I'm not sure where to begin or how to end. All I can say is that if you really knew me, I wouldn't be writing this letter today. I don't think anyone truly knows who I am because whenever I try to show who I am, people use it against me or see it as an opportunity to take advantage.
I'm not here to change anybody because I know that's not going to happen. No matter how much I change, everyone else will stay the same in this dark, manipulative, lying, advantage-taking society that we've become. Don't get me wrong, not everyone is like that. Some of you have been a blessing in my life, but unfortunately, there aren't enough of you to outweigh the ugliness of this world.
I find it disheartening to see how prevalent deceit and selfishness have become. It's like a virus that's spread too far to contain. Every time I think I've found a glimmer of hope, it gets overshadowed by another act of betrayal or cruelty. It's exhausting to keep fighting against this tide of negativity when it feels like the world is determined to stay the same.
I'll be editing this for the next few days as I remember more people to mention. Once I'm complete, there will be no turning back. This will be my final say on the matter, a testament to my experiences and the harsh reality I see around me.
To Doris
I was with you for over 25 years, and I still find you as beautiful today as when we first met. I'm sorry for how I reacted when everything went to hell. I wish I had listened to you and gotten a therapist or counselor before my dad passed. I thought I could handle it and believed that showing weakness would make me less of a man in your eyes. I used to think, how can a man be a man if he's asking for help and can't handle things himself? But I was wrong—so painfully wrong.
You have a good man now. He won't raise his hand to you, and I don't believe he will raise his voice either. But if he ever does, Katy and the boys know what to do. Don't let anyone steal your joy, Doris. You're a strong woman, and you don't give yourself enough credit for how incredibly strong you are.
My family.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to see me end up this way. I lived too long inside that proverbial "man box." I should have known that emotions needed to flow freely and shouldn't be stifled. I now understand what it truly means to be a man, but it's too late now. The damage is done. be sure to remember me for who I was and not who I became.
To My kids,
I'm proud of you for learning to set boundaries and sticking to them. I want you to know that you are deeply missed. I may not have shown it much over the last couple of years, but I love you more than life itself. The sting of missing you has become unbearable.
Arielle, Katy,
I want you to be strong. It's in you and you know it. Life can be tough sometimes, but you've shown resilience and know how to set good boundaries. Between your mom and me, you've got a good skill set for living. Never let yourself be bullied by a man. If anyone ever puts their hands on you, do something about it. Teach people how to treat you. Don't let anyone push you around or lay hands on you, ever.
Dylan and Joel,
Remember the song I used to play for you? It tells you to find a good woman and to love God. Never raise your voice or your hand to a woman. A hand can bruise, but words can hurt even more and take longer to heal. Communicate and don't worry about showing emotion. Let it flow, because if you don't, what comes out might hurt everyone the most. Respect women, love them, and cherish them.
To Brendon.
I'm so sorry life turned out like it did for you. Lately, though, you've been doing a great job of bouncing back, and I want you to know how proud I am of what you're accomplishing, especially considering the circumstances of the life you were raised in. I never wanted that life for you, and what happened to you in my absence is something I deeply regret.
I apologize that you had to endure it, and I know you blame me to a certain degree, but trust me, I had to make those choices for my own sanity and my own life. You've got a good head on your shoulders, and despite everything, you've managed to rise above it all. You've been through the shit, and yet here you are, proving to everyone that you do matter.
You can make the right decisions and be a good father, regardless of how you were raised. Every step you take forward, every positive change you make, it's a testament to your strength and resilience. Keep showing the world what you're made of. You have the power to break the cycle, to create a better life for yourself and those you care about.
Stand tall, Brendon. You're doing an incredible job, and I believe in you.
To Rose,
You came along at a time when everything in my life was screwed up and out of control. Despite the chaos, you've been a constant beacon of light in this dark world. Your kindness and support have been unwavering, and I’m sorry for not giving you the best of me; you deserved better. Your presence has been a source of strength and hope, helping me navigate through the toughest times.
I often think about how much you've done for me and how I wish I could have been more for you. Your patience, understanding, and love have been more than I could have ever asked for, and I regret that my struggles have sometimes overshadowed the appreciation I have for you. You've been my anchor, keeping me grounded when the storms of life threatened to pull me under.
Thank you for being there, even when I couldn't offer you the same. Your light has not only illuminated my path but has also shown me the possibility of a brighter future. I hope you know how much you mean to me and how grateful I am for everything you've done. You are a rare and beautiful soul, and I am incredibly lucky to have you in my life.
To the few people I called friends.
My list has dwindled because, over time, you've shown your true colors, and for that, I'm deeply saddened. But to those who remained true friends, thank you for your kindness and friendship. To those I consider enemies, you had your chances and you've done your damage. You showed me a world of ugliness and hate that I can't tolerate. Yes, you turned me. You convinced me this world is not for me, and for that, you'll probably be proud. But I don't care if you are. Karma is a bitch, and you'll get paid back eventually.
To all the women who broke my heart.
You don't deserve the piece of my heart you took and twisted. It was on loan, and you took advantage of my trust and kindness. You turned my vulnerability into your weapon, leaving scars that still ache. I gave you a part of me, believing in the love we shared, only to have it shattered by your deceit and betrayal.
You played with my emotions, manipulating my feelings to suit your needs, and left me questioning my worth. The damage you caused runs deep, I hope love never finds you. I hope the rest of your life is filled with nothing but broken hearts and sadness.
To Denton County.
I want to thank you for failing me. You never listened to what I had to say or gave me the benefit of the doubt. At 17, I swore to defend you against all enemies, foreign and domestic, putting my life on the line for this country. Yet, when I needed you the most, you turned your back on me.
You failed me miserably, ignoring my years of service and sacrifice. Despite my unwavering loyalty and commitment, you chose to disregard my pleas and cast me aside. The trust I placed in you was shattered, and the support I so desperately needed was cruelly withheld.
Your failure to acknowledge my struggles and provide the help I needed has left a deep, lasting wound. I gave my all, enduring trauma and hardship, and in return, I received nothing but indifference and neglect. Thank you for showing me how truly broken and heartless the system is, leaving me to pick up the pieces of a life you so callously disregarded.
Your detective, who initially listened to my ex-girlfriend Antonella, is a liar. When your detectives arrested me, they told me I should have returned her calls, claiming she tried to reach out to me several times. That's a blatant lie. She tried to call my number one time, leaving a voicemail meant for Antonella, not me. That was the only indication I had that something was wrong. Not one detective, not one cop, not one person from your county has ever asked me a single question or looked at any evidence I have to substantiate my claims that everything she said was a lie..
To Homeland Security and Immigration.
Over the past year, I tirelessly sought assistance from your agency, but regrettably, my pleas fell on deaf ears. Despite my persistent efforts, which included reaching out to various governors' offices and the Attorney General of Texas, my appeals for help went unanswered.
I provided detailed accounts and evidence of the threats and challenges I faced, yet there was no meaningful response or support forthcoming. This prolonged lack of action left me in a precarious position, feeling abandoned and vulnerable within a system that should prioritize the safety and protection of its citizens.
Your inaction has played a significant role in the unfortunate turn of events I find myself in today. The lack of intervention and support from your agency has exacerbated my situation, contributing to the difficulties I have faced. I implored you to consider my case with the urgency it deserved. My situation was dire, and I urgently needed your intervention to ensure my safety and security.
Your prompt attention to this matter was crucial in preventing further harm and restoring my faith in the ability of our government to protect its citizens. Thank you for your lack of attention to this urgent matter.
To the Holston Apartments.
I sought refuge in your community, thinking I'd found a home. Instead, your rumors and lack of respect for privacy have made you complicit in turning my life into hell. Your lies and manipulations know no bounds, and you've made my home anything but a sanctuary.
To Irving Dietrich,
You're a smooth one, I'll give you that. You've been running your mouth, spreading malicious rumors about me, and keeping me on your lips for way too long. Despite your denials, some very honest and upstanding people have validated that you've been talking trash about me, making people fear me.
The worst part is, you filled that young woman upstairs from me with heinous lies, scaring her so much she pulled a gun on me and threatened my life. It's not just about what you've done to me, but what you've done to her as well. For that, I hope karma deals you a nasty hand.
To the black young woman upstairs.
I understand you were given misinformation about me, but your actions since then have been deeply hurtful. You pretended to be a friend, only to belittle and insult me in ways I've never experienced before. Your behavior has caused significant distress in my life. I hope you understand the impact of your words and actions. You have single-handedly started to turn me into a racist of which I've never been. I have never used the N word against anybody. but you, my dear are the first nigger I've ever known.
To the United States Army,
I want to thank you for failing me as well. When I came to you, I was very young, struggling for a place to belong, and when I swore in, I was one of the proudest kids in the country. Things were fine until I got to my duty station. I was in 11 Bravo, and you stuck me in the headquarters company support platoon. I wanted to be infantry, not a taxi driver.
But that wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was when that soldier came up to me on CQ duty. You know, the one who ended his life right in front of my eyes as I was making my last rounds the next morning. A scar on my soul that will never go away. Something I can never unsee, even to this day. The nightmares haunt me with the taste and smell of that incident.
You failed to introduce me to my unit. You failed to give me counseling. You failed to be there for me when I needed you most. Instead, you punished me and put me out, taking all my benefits from me that I had rightfully paid for.
To Antonella,
You really take the cake! When we first met, I wouldn't date you because I thought I had nothing to offer. I was placing value on material things, but in reality, I had so much love and my whole heart to give. Little did I know that from the beginning, you were scheming to build a domestic case against me to secure your citizenship.
In January, when I refused to marry your ex-mother-in-law, you threatened me, saying I was a dead man if anyone found out. I thought you were joking, but you were dead serious. You told everyone we broke up in January or February, but that was a lie. I have photos of you in our apartment almost every month until you ghosted me on November 3rd. You sent me pictures of wedding rings, dirty videos, and pictures to entice me.
One of the most disgusting things you did was trying to get me to abuse you in bed, saying you needed to be punished. You spit in my face and told me you cheated, trying to provoke me into anger, but I couldn't lay a hand on you because I loved you. I don't put my hands on people in anger. If I had, you would've had your grounds for a domestic case, but you couldn't make that happen because I'm not a violent person.
So, you twisted my calls to return your stuff or give you money right before Christmas into a stalking case. I hope they throw you in jail, and when you finally get out, I hope they deport you so you can struggle for the rest of your life. And when it's all over, I hope you burn in hell.
To the Fort Worth Police Department,
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks for showing blatant favoritism instead of siding with justice. Over the past several months, I have reached out to you numerous times regarding my ex-girlfriend and the woman living upstairs who has pulled a gun on me and threatened my life on multiple occasions. Despite my desperate pleas for help, you have done nothing about it.
I have footage of this woman wrestling with your officer, resisting arrest to the point that it knocked his body cam off his uniform, and yet you still let her go. I had the misfortune of hearing her laugh to her friends about how she was in the squad car but was let off without any consequences. When you looked up my background, you claimed to understand why she acted the way she did and used that as justification to let her go. Where is the justice in that? Why is she more deserving of leniency and protection than I am?
Has she ever sworn to defend this country? Did she ever agree to lay her life on the line to ensure that you and your family could enjoy the freedoms and lifestyle you have? I think not. Instead, you allow her to continue to threaten my life and subject me to more racial slurs than I have ever heard in my life. This treatment is a slap in the face to someone who has served and sacrificed for this country.
Your actions, or rather, inactions, have shown a clear bias and have left me feeling abandoned and betrayed by those who are supposed to protect and serve. Your lack of response and failure to administer justice in these situations is not only deeply disappointing but also dangerous. It emboldens individuals who threaten the safety and well-being of others, knowing they will face no repercussions.
Thank you for showing me where your loyalties lie and for making it painfully clear that justice is not blind in Fort Worth.
To Brent,
For the longest time, ever since I was a young boy and we left that courtroom with you only receiving probation, I had meticulously planned your demise. I fantasized for many years about the various ways I could exact my revenge, debating whether to prolong your suffering or make it quick. Thirty-something years is a long time, and I was poised and ready to head to North Carolina to confront you. Your fate was in my hands.
But then, on the day I was set to leave, I found you on Facebook. I asked if you were ready to talk, and you responded with your phone number. For that, I am grateful. Our conversation was a turning point for me. While we talked, you freed me from questioning myself—my sexuality, what I did to deserve such a heinous act. By the end of our conversation, I remember you telling me how scared you had been, wondering where I was. For a brief moment, I took some delight in knowing I had that power over you. But it was short-lived. Not long after that, I told you I loved you like a brother and forgave you like a Christian. I meant it. I let all that anger go that day.
One of the good things that came out of it was realizing the depth of my anger toward you. I knew I had so much rage directed at you that I couldn’t let it flow toward anybody else. The day I freed myself from all that anger, I knew I would never experience such intense fury again and that I could never bring harm to anyone. You’ll never fully grasp the ripple effect of what that one act had on my life. I was unable to trust men, and for a long time, women were only a tool for me to try to prove my manhood. But looking back, I’m not sure if I was trying to prove my manhood or my innocence.
I forgive you, and I hope one day you can put all of this behind you. Hopefully, you’ve learned what not to do. Thank you for taking my call that day. It had a profound effect on my life, freeing me in ways I hadn't anticipated. I realized that forgiveness wasn't for you; it was for me. It freed me from the bond that you and I had.
To everyone who's never met me:
Opinions about me vary depending on who you ask. But I'm pretty simple. I don't need much more than what the average person has. I'm not into extravagant things. I just want to be loved, have enough money to pay my bills, and maybe take a vacation once a year. That's it. Nothing more. I want people to respect my space and my stuff—what's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours. And most importantly, leave my woman and kids alone.
To Mr. Gainey at Havelock High,
I know you don't remember me. You never gave me a second thought, even when I was a student at your school. You probably only remember the girls that you had sitting on your lap every time I came into your office.
But I remember the last day I was at the school. I was struggling. I was being teased and tormented beyond belief. Hundreds of nasty pictures were stuffed in my locker every day between classes. I was called every unfavorable name you could imagine.
When I finally sought help and came to you, you made a reference to me calming down and having a beer. A detail that was only directed at the event I was being teased about.
You're one of the reasons I can never seek help because when I did, you made a mockery of it by making that reference to the beer. What happened to me was not a joke. It was nothing for you to make fun of.
