I only thought I was broken

I'm struggling to come to terms with who I am and the choices I've made. Yesterday, I had a difficult conversation with one of my kids via text. It brought back a lot of painful memories from when our family first started to fall apart after my dad's death.

I acted out in anger and drove my family away. They're now scattered across the country, building their own lives. My ex-wife is halfway across the country, and I've barely had any time with my granddaughter. I miss my kids, but they're understandably distant from me.

Recently discovered that I have borderline personality disorder, which explains my heightened sensitivity to abandonment and being alone. I've felt incredibly abandoned and alone these past few years.

Losing my dad was a huge blow, and I felt abandoned by him too. He was my confidant and someone I looked up to. A year or so after separating from my wife, I held on to hope that we would get back together. When she finally told me it was over, I started dating Christina.

The relationship with Christina was tumultuous, but she made me feel alive and loved. I knew it wasn't meant to last, but I got attached to her easily. Our relationship ended when she and my son started talking behind my back. They exchanged nude pictures and hurtful messages.

After that relationship ended, I met Antonella. At that point, I was unemployed, living with my mom, and had a drug problem. Antonella was young, vibrant, and funny, and she made me feel something I desperately needed. She encouraged me to seek help, and I knew I needed it.

Our relationship was also troubled. Antonella deceived me and talked extensively to my ex-wife on the phone. I confronted her about it, but she continued to deceive me.

I found out that Antonella had been talking to multiple men behind my back, including customers she met on a dating site. I tried to confront her about it, but she turned the tables on me, accusing me of being selfish and threatening suicide.

My stepdaughter's words hit me hard: "You never gave more than half of what was needed to be a good dad." I realized that I had been a shitty dad for over 20 years. I had always wanted to be a good father, but I failed my kids.

Now, I feel like a burden, an emotional, angry, bitter old drug addict. I've been lying to myself, thinking I was a decent human being who could help others. I'm consumed by sadness and loneliness, and I constantly ask myself why I'm still here.

I'm writing this with great difficulty, and my body is shutting down emotionally. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I'm living a nightmare. I don't need to keep repeating it to myself because no one is listening, or at least not until I threaten to do something drastic.

I have a plan, and it's been getting better with each attempt. I don't know if I'll act on it, but the pain is clouding my judgment.