confusion to say the least

For two endless days, I have found myself imprisoned within these confining walls. Time stretches before me, allowing ample opportunity for self-reflection and a harsh realization of my own brokenness. I am compelled to question the world: why is it considered so taboo to surrender? Why? If you were to step into my worn-out shoes at the age of 52, utterly alone, stripped of your beloved spouse, separated from your children, and further robbed of your soulmate, job, car, wealth, and youth, what course of action would you pursue? Would you willingly endure the ceaseless pain that engulfs each passing day? I have been seeking solace in the words of my therapist, yet with each passing day, the agony intensifies. I yearn for a friend, yet there is none to be found. I had hoped that the person by my side would at least offer friendship, but that hope was shattered, revealing a tapestry of deceit. I cannot discern if those lies were fabricated to attain their own desires or simply to silence me, offering hollow appeasement. Throughout my existence, my woeful lack of self-esteem has rendered me an easy target, susceptible to exploitation. This profound solitude is suffocating, an unrelenting torment. Yes, I am now burdened with remorse for my past actions. I am subjecting myself to self-torture. Whoever you may be out there, it matters not. You may acknowledge your mistakes and admit your faults, but I implore you to truly grasp the weight of your transgressions. Spend 48 hours in a silence so profound, allowing introspection to guide you, and witness where it leads you. How long can one endure the absence of their children's voices? How long until the cherished words "Dad" or "Daddy" reach my ears once more? Even a simple term of endearment like "Pops" or "Honey" or anything would bring solace to my heart. I yearn to feel desired, and if not desired, then at least not despised. People are fearful of my presence, and something within me cries out for change. It must come soon; it must come now.